Personnal update
Most people know I wasn’t feeling quite right lately, for many reasons. I think it’s time I take a stepback and look at my life, and do all I can to regain control of it. Not only I had a bad rupture, but I had to live it again a second and even a third time, thanks to my ex. My health seems to be in depletion too. I’m lacking sleep and neglecting feeding decently, I’m obviously overstressed, in heavy burnout, overanxious and slightly depressed with all the fucking ramble I got in the last 12 months. I should probably be in a casket right now with all I went through, but for some reason I’m still alive. I’m too hard headed to let go.
Some factors makes me think it’s time for me to step back for a while, find new activities, meet new people. It means outside of SL, it means away from my appartment. It’s extremely hard for me to do, since my breakup I can’t trust anyone. Most of my relations with meatspace people have proven to be futile, ephemeral, and superficial. Most of the friends I made in this city belonged to my ex so it’s all to start again, but I really don’t feel like it. I lack the energy to just go outside, and going out alone isn’t the best way to socialize either. In any way, I’m skrewed.
I need some decent rest and badly. From everything. Job brought me high level of stress lately since were moving, and not for the better technically speaking, truth is were moving in a shithole. I fucking hate this place. We had to move there to team up with some other people for a bigger project. Nevertheless, I’m moving from an awesome loft downtown to one of the most shitty neighborhood ever. I’m bummed just thinking about the downgrade.
I’m usually pretty tough. I have lived worse. I guess it’s the cumulation if it all, and the lack of energy to overcome all of it at the same time. I also feel really lonely lately, despite having met someone, both myself and her aren’t ready for anything serious. Don’t think I had much satisfaction with my previous partner on the tender love and care level either, we were fighting all the time.
So this is it. I’m sick of it to the last straw. Or I take action, or I blow. Someone suggested me anti-depressants. Well I just quit using on-the-side meds, that’s how we deal with people burned out and depressed because of 20 important changes in a short time, we hook them on dope. Also got suggested to get counselling. I don’t need counselling. I need sleep and time away from all that fucking customer service shit. If people knew how much abuse we take for any fucking reason, maby they would understand why we are so acrid and sarcastic. Maby skipping vacations this year wasn’t such a good idea. But it’s for my associate to deal with it, because this in fact reduced my productivity drastically.
Enough rambling anyways. I don’t care if anyone read this or not. This is a message to myself. This is so I can remember that it’s good to take care of everyone and be fun loving, it’s good to give myself at 100% to satisfy other people’s need. In a way, I did it so I could feel good about myself. But now it’s time for me to try and take a little care about myself. Sleep. Eat. Clean my apartment. Take care of my business. Exercise (I bought a bike). Forget my fucking ex ever existed. Draw the line.
So I will cool down on SL. I’m there to have fun. But there’s just one job I will concentrate on, and it’s pursuing MachinimaCam to make it the best tool I can. I need to push aside any other thing. I will remain on SL Bloggers Admin board and Avatrait Council. I will try to concentrate on what I love doing: scripting and artwork. I won’t take any other engagement apart that.
I need encouragements in that step and I need love more than ever. I need to feel worthy and appreciated. So don’t stop talking to me when I’m online. Just don’t feel offended if I’m busy working. I will always welcome you with a big hug, because you know damn well I love you. But if I want to continue being able to love, I have to start with myself. This will be the hardest part…
Love, Codie
16 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Nadine holds her love hard, tight and long, it will be alright, I love you so much, it can’t end wrong.
Honey, you will succeed!
And we will all be so proud of you!
/me hugs Codie!
Sounds like you’re sorting a few things out. Good for you! Just so you know, counselling isn’t advice. It’s someone who will be a nonjudgmental listener to help you figure things out for yourself. I am still willing to be your listener, when I can make the time. In your case, it’s also good to make a list of stressors and figure out what you can change and what you can’t, and concentrate on the things you can change. But it sounds like you’re doing that already.
Je ne te connais pas bien, mais qui ne pouvais pas aimer quelqu’une comme toi? Lâche pas les patates, mon chou! Et sache bien que je suis ton amie.
I know you will be okay lil sissy !! You are doing EXACTLY the right things!! Put your self FIRST. Take care of your needs, then and ONLY then, will you be able to help others. Art and outdoor activities will make your soul stronger and get you to a brighter tomorrow. Just know there are so many (really SO MANY) wonderful people out here, that care about you and want to see you not only survive BUT thrive and become the LEGENDARY person we all see in you. Be well my dear and honestly I loved this post. I for one will miss you in SL, but I will love the idea of your being around for the long haul. I LOVE YOU KID SISTER !!
Oh my dear sweet Codie….we all love and support you and if you need time, then time you shall have, and we will all be here waiting with open arms whenever you need it!!! Love you so much!!!!
~gives you a giant, giant hug, and kisses your cheek~
aaaaaaaaaawwwwww… just reading all of those marvelous comments brings some tears of joy to my eyes. i knew all of you friends would be supportive, but at this point, it is really really heartwarming… even my associate isn’t being a bitch about it and really tries to help.
i love you guys, please never change and keep being the caring sweethearts you all are *sniffles*
*hugs* It’s good to step away & sort things out but don’t be beaten. Things always work itself out and well too. So, wweet, like an Aussie would say, “You’ll be alright”.
Codie! A tough but right move you’re making. Gotta have your oxygen mask on before you can do for others. You have always been unabashedly generous and kind to me. Go do the same for yourself. Be compassionate and gentle with yourself. Find your strength, it’s there. *hugs and snuggles*
–Deb
Hey Sweet Codie.. Ive been there, done that.. and I burned the book afterwards. You are on the right track, and I *know* you have the strength & smarts to emerge on the other side, a better a wiser person. Always remember to give yourself credit and love, you are the person you know you can be, sometimes you just can’t see it.
*snugs*
Hugs hun, I know what it’s like to go through this as some of it reminds me of my past too…
Hang in there, things will get better and if you do get luck, pass some of it on my way please x
Codie, you are one of the sweetest, funniest, loveliest people I know, and I’m thankful every time I see your tweets that we’re friends. You do what you have to do to keep yourself alive. We shall not count the cost, and we will do for you what we can. Just ask, without fear. We all love you. *facelicks*
Codie, *hugs*
Your telling me about ISP/Hosting customer service!!
When the stupidities of your customers become the most entertaining part of your day, you really need a break, or just to stop completely.
Been there, done that. Now I just need to get over my current employers level of stupidity, *sigh*.
I’ve never been great with that Meatspace thing…but we have to do it….. If I can cope, then I’m sure you can as well.
You know…if I’m “Away” next time I’m on your lounge, just IM me and I should be back in no time.
*wipes aways a bit of Akelas licky*
Code,
It was so nice to finally meet you and have a chat-but if you’re feeling down take heart from all the comments your friends have left you, and let me add my own:
You’re bloody lovely and you WILL get through this:)
Hugs,
Kitty =^..^= xxx
PS Fart contest anytime soon? I’ll *thrash* ya! ( Kitty stocks up on beans)
Oui, prends soin de toi. Repose toi et fais le vide.
Pèse le pour et le contre, ignore les cons et rapproche toi des authentiques. Aime toi pour pouvoir aimer comme tu voudrais que l’on t’aime et pense que sans SL, nous sommes là, que je suis là parmis ceux et celles qui te regardent autrement qu’une simple entité virtuelle qui n’existe que sur un continent artificielle. Mon affection est bien réelle et elle dépasse toutes les frontières.
Tm Codie.
Hey, take care of yourself, will you ?
I am quietly snooping on the success of your great MachinimaCam and you are doing fantastic things there; and the photo stuff as well.
Sleep: yes, yes. it is very very important. My routine for that (in bash flavour, you might want to tweak here and there):
swig `wget beer ./-`;
look sleepy;
touch bed;
while test mood != ok; do
sleep 36000;
ps;
sleep 21600;
make food
mv `grip food` mouth
done;
enable again
There’s some odd stuff happening in the background - in a sense that the cycle generally never runs more than once - maybe twice, but it is a good idea to run it in front of a week-long vacation, just to be sure.
HTH!
p.s.: customer service: think of them being kids in the specific area, ‘cos generally they would be. Less experienced/knowledgeable than you. Should help.